You Are What You’ve Eaten…

I know this entry will piss off several self-help authors who have done their best to help those living with the ghosts from their past.

I’ve read Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s search for Meaning”. I’ve also read Susan Anderson’s “Journey from Abandonment to healing”.  One is history and the other good intentions.

The only line that I can say is true comes from the songwriter Todd Rundgren.  Todd wrote in his song “Parallel Lines” ~ “Understanding won’t satisfy the hunger”.

Let’s say that at the age of nine, your caretaker stopped feeding you.  You were forced to eat food from vending machines. After years of counseling, you discover that you died spiritually because the food you once enjoyed was taken away.  You still remember the smell of vanilla from whatever was baking in the oven.  You remember the smell of oregano and tomatoes from that special sauce.  You even remember a special dish that you can’t even describe. All you remember is that after you ate it, it defined you. You became “All you could be”.

Now it’s gone.

Your therapist tells you: “Your problem is simple.  You miss your caretaker’s cooking.  In fact, YOU HUNGER FOR THAT ONE SPECIFIC DISH.  Do you understand now? You HUNGER FOR THAT ONE DISH.”

Thanks for explaining that.  I’ll spend the next 50 years hungering and searching for that dish.  Can you tell me how to cure this hunger?  I know I’m hungry.  I don’t need to spend $200.00 an hour to hear that I’m hungry. My stomach doesn’t charge me a penny to hear it grumble.

What?  The recipe died with the caretaker?  Maybe I can find someone else that can cook like the caretaker?  No!  Her recipe isn’t even close.  Not only did it not taste like the original recipe, she burned down my house and half of everything I owned.

In a perverted way, I get enjoyment out of finding things I’ve lost because it gives me the feeling of finding that recipe.  I think I’m even rude to imposters who try to cook that recipe but haven’t a clue.

King Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes: “The Day you die is better than the Day you are Born”.  Yes, ignorance is bliss.  Had I never tasted that wonderful recipe, I would not be “HUNGERING” or “SEARCHING” for it.  I would be quite content with vending machine food and frozen burritos. It’s been 52 years and I can still taste every bite.

Not only did that recipe taste so wonderful; it gave me incredible energy and charisma.  I was a better person after I ate that meal.  I felt so happy that others’ liked being around me.  I could fly with wings of eagles after eating that meal.  Now I just fall off of rooftops.  Everything I try to do comes from how wonderful I remember feeling after eating that recipe that is now gone.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to replicate how that recipe made me feel.  I do all the things that recipe gave me the magic to do but people can tell I’m not eating the same recipe.  I’m an empty shell of the guy they used to love to be around. I’ve spent my entire life searching for that lost recipe.  It’s been a journey with no destination.


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