Big Tits and other Lies


I’ve never been infatuated with women sporting large breasts. A simple B cup is fine for my taste. But ladies; don’t tell your plastic Surgeon that. To a successful cosmetic surgeon, a woman ain’t a woman unless her implants enter the room before she does. How did this lie get started?

It’s a hypothesis that I’ve been pondering since my early 20s. I think I’ve figured it out. Part of it has to do with Freud. It’s a childhood paradigm. A majority of men are breast fed the first 6 months of their life. As women became the majority in the work place, the paradigm shifted. A male that would have been “breast” fed, is now bottle fed. (Do you think there’s a connection between bottle fed babies and alcoholics)? It’s just a thought!

Coming from a “Stanford” Medical background; I can say this with certainty: “Breast size is largely determined by FAT CELLS”. It’s a rare genetic anomaly when you find a thin female with large breasts. You’re most likely to find such a specimen in a general surgeon’s office waiting for her consult for a breast reduction mammoplasty. A small/thin woman with double D’s will suffer from lumbar muscle pain. In layman’s terms, she’s top heavy.

I cringe when I see my favorite Hollywood starlets like Meg Ryan go from the beautiful girl next door, to the scarred bee stung lips with breast that look like the headlights on a 48 Tucker Sedan.

Meg  Meg BA

As I mentioned earlier, breasts are mainly fat cells. Physiologically, they were designed to accommodate mammary glands to feed little Billy. If you were the High school quarterback you probably dated the cheerleader with the big breasts. When you came back from the Army, more than likely, the rest of you cheerleader’s fat cells started manifesting in the forms of love handles, saddlebags and in the 21st century, a beer gut.

I use to date girls on the swim team. Girls with “Tom Boy” bodies Sure they’re going to have a AA bra size (That’s the smallest for my male readers) but they never had to worry about being on a constant diet. Check out the 48 year old Dara Torres.

 DT Olympics   Dara-Torres-490x735_1

 And the ultimate question that mankind has been asking since 1967: “Mary Anne” or “Ginger”? You decide.

 Dawn Wells 74 Tina Louise

(Left Dawn Wells as “Mary Anne” on Gilligan’s Island. Right is Tina Louis or “Ginger”)

dawn-wells Tina-Louise

                                   Mary Ann at the age of 74        Ginger at the age of 81 (7 years older)

 There’s an old Blues song written by the late Johnny Winter called “Check out da momma”. (Cuz if her momma ain’t fine you betta take yo time; she gonna look just like her momma on down da line).  You can keep the Double Dees.  I’ll take the fit looking double AA’s anytimeGuys, get over your infantile breast feeding programming.  Large breasts are large fat cells and they usually don’t limit their local to the upper torso.  Ladies, be what you are. There’s a guy out their who will appreciate your small breasts.






What are Carbs?  In short, it’s what most people call starches.  For the sake of simplicity, we’ll just say, Rice, Potatoes and yummy Pasta.  It’s also bread, chips most products made from grain.  Unfortunately, it’s also sugar and the stuff in BEER.

Carbs have gotten a bad reputation thanks to the Atkins diet and Dr. Atkins has a point, but the Carbs alone are not necessarily bad.  Runners like to “Carbo-load” before a race.  Carbs give you energy. Sugar is a probably the most commonly used carbohydrate.(and it comes in various types). But if you’ve ever had the 3:00PM blues and you’re really tired, if you grab a candy bar like a Snickers or a Baby Ruth, you’ll be humming for about 10 minutes until you go into insulin withdrawal.

This is where Carbs get ugly.  Personally, when I need energy or motivation, I grab a Neapolitan Icecream sandwich.  Now, these IceCream Sandwiches are not what they were 30 years ago.  They’ve gone up in price and down in substance.  It’s like a bag of chips.  The bag is the same size, but it’s got more air in the bag than chips.  But if the Carbs can motivate you, creativity might keep you going until you can finish off the day.

So much for the good aspect of Carbs.

Ah………I just had an Ice Cream Sandwich.  Hey it’s 3:00PM.  So now let’s have a quick discussion about the negative aspect of Carbs.  Have you ever noticed that really obese people MUST have bread with their meals?  Whether it be rolls or a loaf of French bread, obese people are addicted to the extra carbs.

This is the issue plain and simple.  Just as your body needs insulin to distribute (almost escort) sugar to your muscles and soft tissue, Carbs act like spackle and attach themselves to fat cells.  This is why Dr. Atkins says, the big mac is ok as long as you don’t eat the bun.  You see; the fat (theoretically) cannot attach its’ self to your body if it doesn’t have the Carbs.  THE FAT CANNOT ATTACH ITS’ SELF TO YOUR BODY IF IT DOES NOT HAVE CARBS TO ESCORT IT.

Using this logic; can you now understand why some of the worst foods are carbs that are deep fried?  Yes, even Donuts.

The problem with Dr. Atkin’s diet is attrition.  The key to any diet is consistency which is the opposite of attrition. I love white bread.  I eat 2 slices a day.  My ex-wife would only buy wheat bread for 17 years and I missed white bread almost as much as I don’t miss my ex-wife.  I eat one slice of white (Wonder Bread if I can find it) and two table spoons of natural crunchy “Laura Scudder’s” peanut butter with a squirt (teaspoon) of Welch’s grape jelly on the side.  It’s about a 170 calories but the peanut butter is monosaturated fat so it is actually good for me and rids me of hunger.  Then, like the slim fast diet, I have a reasonable dinner.  So it’s one meal a day and two PBJs.  If I get hungry during the day, I have a handful of unsalted roasted peanuts.

And since I’m not going to spend time on salt, just let me say it’s not the evil that it has been made out to be.  Salt will make it harder for you to lose weight because it makes you retain your liquids.

So the key to reducing your fat ass is to monitor your SATURATED fat intake.  Is it mono or poly saturated?  That’s what the bottom line is.  If you’re going to have “Meat Loaf” and Mashed potatoes for dinner, just make sure that you buy low fat ground meat.  I use ground sirloin.  Granted the taste comes from the fat, but you’ll get used to it.

Substitute Olive oil for cooking oil.  It’s much pricier, but it’s probably the second healthiest thing you can do to fortify your weight loss attempts.  Remember, attrition can kill your feeding habits as bad as binging.



When it comes to my view on carbs, I find rice the hardest to refrain from.  Chinese food without rice is like Spaghetti without pasta.  Only, Chinese food is hard to consume without saturated fats.  As for potatoes, I’ve given up the ever so enjoyable French fry.  The best way to do this is to give up fast foods.  Do you know how McDonalds’ got its’ reputation for having the best French fries in the fast food industry?  They were using beef tallow to fry their fries in.  Beef tallow can give you chest pains just thinking about it.  Scientist discovered quite easily that a small order of McDonalds’ fries had more saturated fat in it than a Big Mac.  One of the few regulations the government did that I have to agree with was forcing Mickey Dees to quit frying their slivers of potatoes in pure emulsified FAT.  But they tasted great.  It’s no wonder the boomers that grew up on fast food are having heart issues.

If you eat carbs, make sure you don’t eat the fats that go with it.  The old saying that carbs turn to fat is a wives tale.  It takes forever for carbs to turn to fat.  On the other hand, carbs mixed with fat is like adding a fuse to dynamite.  That’s the best description I can give you.  A fuse won’t kill nor will a stick of dynamite without the lit fuse.  But put the two together and you can kiss your 32 inch waste goodbye in a very quick amount of time. (Depending on how mobile you are during the day).  So go ahead and eat your bread, it won’t kill you.  Eat your Brat, it won’t kill you.  But put the brat in a bun and you’ve just stuck the fuse to the dynamite.





Bacon Baconburger ???????????????????????????????????????????????????



Vol. 1 FATS


A Majority of Americans today are a good 10 to 60 pounds overweight.  What do I blame it on? No it’s not your love of Ice Cream Sandwiches or Bon Bons; It’s the thing you’re starring at, but more so the thing your Fat Ass is sitting on.

When we were blessed with the era of information, we were also shifted into the era of sedentary labor.  Now what use to take 4 guys with Schwarzenegger arms, now can be done by a 110 pound female with the help of a robotic arm.  Yep, that back seat to your new car can glide into place with just a little guidance from one human arm.

Instead of having to climb into an air duct to check humidity and vacuum, all you have to do is pull down a computer menu attached to probes in the duct and you can do it all from your cushy chair.

The new industrial injury has shifted from the low back or lumbar disc damage to “Carpal Tunnel Syndrome”, “Obesity”, “Hypertension” and a “plethora of anal conditions”. Seriously, I’ve written several articles on taking really good care of your ass if you sit on it all day.

YOU DON’T WANT RECTAL SURGERY.  Hemorrhoids OUCH, Anal Fistulas DOUBLE OUCH.  And it’s not the condition, it’s the ugly surgery and recovery.  This is why you need to pull up a bar stool, (Or stand) at the Café Americain on Fridays.  I’m going to help you get rid of that FAT ASS.

Before I start the HOW TO part; I need to reprogram your brain.  I’m not going to talk about diets or weight loss programs.  KNOWLEDGE is POWER. So for Volume 1 just want to focus on FAT.

FATS: Taste really good.  You’ll find it in Ice Cream, Red Meat, even my favorite sustenance Peanuts. Now don’t freak out on me, but there’s good fats and bad fats.

First: Bad Fats.  These are “Poly-saturated” fats. It means that the molecule that make up the fat are small and sticky.  What happens when you run fine sticky sand through Tubing with fine holes in it?  The holes clog and fat builds up.

Now the Good Fats.  Yes it is an Oxymoron.  You should avoid fats if possible but most of the culinary arts do not.  So if you’re going to buy oil to cook with.  Buy extra Virgin Olive oil.  It’s what is called Mono-saturated.  What happens if you put large rocks through that same tubing that has been clogged with the fine sand?  It tends to push it out of the tubing.

So it’s important that you look at the labels and see what kind of fat you’re eating.  Peanuts are rich in fat, but it’s mainly mono-saturated fat.

I’ll try to keep this simple because I know most of you have not studied biophysics, but when you hear your doctor talk about good cholesterol and bad cholesterol; he or she is talking about good and bad fats.  Only the scientific term is called “Lipids”.  (As in Lip-o-suction) with this in mind; now you can understand HDL cholesterol and LDL cholesterol.  AKA “high density lipids” and “low density lipids”.  Low density lipids or fat is like spackle.  It sticks to your tubes, only in this case we’ll call them arteries and veins.  High density lipids are like toilet bowl brushes.  They lower the amount of LDL building up in your arteries.  Pills like Lipitor are the equivalent of Draino.  After 10 years of use, we’ve found that Drano can rot your delicate tubes. (Lipitor or “statins” can damage your muscles, the companies don not deny this). BTW, your heart is a big muscle.  So the principle you want to remember is:



Pardon the pun but, “chew on this info for a while”.  We’ll talk about Carbs and Proteins soon.  But I do not want to over load your mind.  Lastly I want to talk about what fats are good for.

First: They usually taste really good. Second: If you survive a plane crash and you’re in the wilderness looking for food, your fat acts as a reserve form of sustanence.  I’m not saying it makes you superman/woman but it’s been shown that fat people are usually the last to starve to death.  On the other hand, healthy people are in a better position to find and catch or gather food.