Tales from the O.R. Vol.2 Plasticity

Meg

A New You

(sometimes the old you is better)

I used to love Meg Ryan’s appearance.

My least favorite field of surgery is “Aesthetic” surgery. Sometimes it’s done by a Plastic surgeon (Which is misleading. I’ll explain) and sometimes an ENT (ear, nose, throat) surgeon. Depending on the surgery, I would not hesitate to choose one over the other.

 PLASTIC SURGERY

The term plastic surgery has almost nothing to do with the word “plastic”. The closest it comes to plastic is when they use a material called “Silastic”.  A material designed for surgery that is minimally reactive to the human body. Its main component is silicon.  But the stereotypical paradigm of “plastic surgery” is that you make a plastic mold and change the face of a James Bond Character. That only works in the on the silver screen and on X-files.

It has nothing to do with plastic molds. The term plastic comes from the root word “Plasty”. As in Arthroplasty, the repair of a joint. The term means to “repair”.  So plastic surgeons specialize in more fields than most surgeons.  Many hand surgeons are trained as plastic surgeons.  As I said above: “I would pick one doctor over the other depending on the surgery”.  If I broke a guitar finger, I would go to a plastic hand surgeon. Many would be referred to an orthopedic or “bone” surgeon.  Most Plastic Hand guys only do hands. Orthopedic surgeons that don’t specialize in hands, also do knee replacements, hip replacements, knee scopes etc.…

For the sake of this article, keep in mind that what might appear as appearance altering is not as it seems.  A woman may have a plastic surgeon reduce the size of her breasts because it’s causing here low back pain.  Yes guys, the perfect woman with a thin waistline and DD breasts are an anomaly, but they’re also destine for low back disc surgery if they are not altered to fit the frame of her body.  I do not see this as “Aesthetic” surgery.  There are other examples like removing deformities to just make people look normal.  (Not special).

It might make you more desirable but for the wrong reasons.

But there are plastic surgeons also known as “Aesthetic” or “Cosmetic” surgeons. These guys make your boobs bigger, your nose smaller and your waistline smaller.  Sadly, they prey on the insecure.  I’ve gotten in fights with plastic surgeons as I feel (for the most part) they’re nothing but enablers.  Ladies, if you’re a AA bra size, pumping a quart of salt water into bags in your breasts is not going to make you a better person.  It might make you more desirable but for the wrong reasons.

Sadly, they prey on the insecure.

If you have Barbara Streisand’s nose, and you feel disfigured, I can see that as being a psychological cure. (Keeping in mind a large nose is better than a botched nose job) For that matter, I would go to an ENT doctor who works on noses all day. Would you let a tractor repairman tune you’re Ferrari?  I wouldn’t even let a Porsche repairman work on my Ferrari.

pyramid scams

But feeding on the insecurities of the rich is what is known in pyramid scams as reproductive residual income. Let’s start with taking that hump off of your nose.  Then after getting more dates you consider having silastic put in your chin. They say that chin implants are the single most therapeutic cosmetic surgery that “Aesthetic” Surgeons perform. I would think it would be the nose job, but if you have no chin, then you all of a sudden you have one of those Kirk Douglas chins, it gives you something counseling can’t.  “Courage”.  In our culture people with no chin appear weak.   So now you’ve gotten the courage to divorce your perfectly fine yet normal husband because the big hitters at work think you’re attractive. You’re no longer plain Jane.  So you take 6 weeks off and go for the big one.  You have D/DD breast installed. Now you’ve had the “Trifecta”. You’ve had the triple crown of Cosmetic surgery.

you’re still plain Jane.

But under those fake tits, fake chin and modified nose, you have to hide your secret. Mentally you’re still plain Jane.  It makes you even more insecure. (Or deniably crazy)  If anyone knew the truth, you would be found out.  I will say that if your spouse insists on you having cosmetic surgery, they don’t love you as you are. If you feel you must have cosmetic surgery, you don’t love yourself the way you are. (How can you expect others to love you?)

I will make one exception.

And this borders on fixing a deformity.

Most Aesthetic surgery cases could be avoided if the patient learned to love their appearance for what it is. I will make one exception.  Some might consider this cruel, but others might see it as compassionate, but I’ve done “Otoplasties” (Ear Jobs)on 7- 9 year old kids.  When a kid is born with elephant ears, I think one of the kindest things you can do for him or her is take that thousand bucks you were saving for the Cabo vacation and get your kid’s ears bobbed.  Kids are cruel. Taking a little bit of cartilage from behind the ear will keep your kid from growing up being called Dumbo and ridiculed.  I always felt like I was doing kids a huge favor and perhaps altering their future (for the good). Next to giving them a normal name, it’s one of the most humane and compassionate things you can do for a kid born with ears that stick out like Alfred E. Newman. (Mad Magazine) I would also include any anatomical anomaly that would subject a child to being called a freak.  Yes go ahead and have those webbed toes separated.  It’s OK to get rid of that sixth toe.

FINALLY THE TWO OPERATIONS I LOATHE

 

The Facelift and the Tummy tuck. The facelift is the ultimate resistance to aging. Its vanity at its peak. It comes with severe risks like nerve loss and the chances of a bad outcome are high.  They say a good face lift is one where you can’t tell you’ve had surgery. I agree.  So why have it?  I can pick with 90% certainty who has had a facelift and who hasn’t.  Rarely do I see someone who I feel “NEEDS” a face lift.

The Facelift that looks like you’ve had a facelift is often too tight and you can often see those ugly knots where your cheek muscles have been sewn together to actually lift your face. Again, we all age and nothing is more hideous than a 60 year old trying to look like a 30 year old.  Remember the song: “Hey 19”?

Finally the worst of the worst. The Abdominoplasty and Liposuction. This is an operation that is often used to replace exercise and healthy eating.  Cosmetic surgeons say: “Oh we only do this after you’ve tried all of that”.  Hey that’s bullshit! The only circumstance for justifying an Abdominoplasty is if you want to trade in the stretched out skin (after weight loss) for an ugly scar.  That’s it.  Many women are disappointed to know that they’ll be confined to a one piece bathing suit after having various incisions sewn up.

The sad part is; after the first person says, ooh that scar is really ugly, don’t be surprised if the patient gets depressed and starts binge eating and the fat cells come back.

Hey: “Shampoo, Rinse and Repeat”. It’s called reproductive residual income. Plastic surgeons are there to “repair” not make you something you’re not.

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