CONCENTRATING ON SURVIVAL

Keller Ave

 

Some near death experiences you can never shake. I spent a day riding Helicopters.  Rushing from one to another.  One had a warning light which forced us to make a hard landing. There wasn’t much I could do but hold on.

I heard what I mistook for firecrackers. Then I heard a whistle next to my right ear and my knees knew just what to do.  On my way down I told my senior officer to get down. (He hadn’t heard the bullet and thought nothing of the fire crackers) I would go through a minor stage of PTSD about a half an hour later.

I’ve been in two major car accidents and one near miss. That thing about your life flashing before your eyes didn’t happen to me.

BUT !!!

When I was 18 I was living on Greenridge ave. in Oakland California.  It’s just next to Keller ave which takes you up to “Skyline” blvd.  My first skateboard was run over by my brother in law when I was 11.  With one of my first paychecks, I stopped at Sears and bought a “Makaha” skateboard.  It was pretty cool for the time. (1974?)  It cost about $15.00 as opposed to the $200.00 boards you can buy today.  It was cheap, making my near death experience all that much nearer.

Makaha

So in an effort to prove my skating abilities (and to see if I still could ride a board) I went about 1/3 of the way up Keller. It didn’t exactly look like Powell Street in San Francisco but looks are deceiving.  I had two great things going for me.  I had brand new trucks and wheels on this little 18” board and NO CARS turned onto the road I was on.  But I had one very formidable foe ~ “Gravity“.

At first it was amusing and quite fun. Then as I picked up speed, the fun turned to horror.  My wheels started vibrating and making a dull roar. Before I knew it, I was flying down this mountain road.  As with the first near fatal accident I was in, there was a moment when time slowed down.  My mind realized that I was going so fast that if I tried to abort this act of stupidity, I was E.R. bound or worse, morgue bound.  I was in too much danger to be scared.

Have you ever been there?

So as I was nearing the bottom, I could see flat ground. What was amazing was that the angle of descent, didn’t stop until I got to a flat surface.  It went from about a 30 degree incline to nothing in about 10 feet.

I thought I was out of the woods once I hit flat land. Then I realized that a busy cross street awaited me at the bottom.  So almost without thinking, I made a left turn and slowed to a stop on a back street that paralleled the busy street.

Exact words to self: “THAT WAS STUPID”. To this day I have never had to endure such constant fear combined with self-control.  I refused to panic and I did not.  I knew if I didn’t make it, there was not going to be a happy ending to this story.  To this day I have visions of the Wild World of Sports downhill skier biting it as he approached the jump.  That’s what would have happened to me only I would have hit a parked car or lost my skull to road rash.

God was with me. 

 

DAVID BOWIE

DB_edited-1

 

He changed our culture.  He changed music, for good or bad you be the judge and history will decide.

 

When I was a kid practicing guitar every day, I saw the manifestation of Ziggy Stardust. I was speechless.  I felt he was somewhat enigmatic.  But up to that time, Rock music had guys who wouldn’t even face the audience.  You can still go to a bar and see a blues band where the musicians are statues.

 

David put color in Rock music. His music, although often described as “Glam” was far more profound.  If you go on you tube and watch the great Rick Wakeman, (who played keys on “Life on Mars”) he said Bowie’s chord structure was like nothing he had ever seen.

To say David played Glam conjures up visions of the New York Dolls. The only thing Glam about David for the beginning of his career were the theatrics in his performance.  America had its’ version in Alice Cooper.  But David’s music was, at heart, Rhythm and Blues.  On his album “Let’s Dance” he hired a young Texas kid named Stevie Ray Vaughn to play the solos.

 

In his albums like “Young Americans” he showed the “soul” side of his persona. In fact he appeared on “Soul Train”.  (A 70s American TV version of Bandstand designed for African Americans)

 

Of all of the headliners, I always wanted to do Bowie’s farewell tour. When I stopped touring and focused on recording, fans would ask when I would be on the road again.  For 10 years, my standard response was: “David Bowie hasn’t called me yet”.   (Spoken half in jest) I made every effort to get an audience with Mr. Bowie.  But after his heart attack in 2005, my connections and plans turned more to a dream.  Not a pipe dream but I knew the people around David but It never happened.

 

Back in 2002 I was supposed to tour Europe with “The man in black”, before the tour, Johnny Cash died.

 

So goes the story of Major Tom. With David gone its’ made me step back and take a look at the future.  To quote Tom Berenger’s character in the movie “Major League” when he was being berated by his ex-girlfriend’s new fiancé, he asked the has-been catcher: “What do you have planned for life after baseball”?  Taylor, (Berenger’s character) replies: “Something will come up”.

 

I guess that’s where I’m at. Thank you David for your music and the hope it generated.

SPORTS vs. ART

                 Vai  The Catch

 

You cannot, I repeat, you cannot compare Sports to the Arts. You cannot make art a sport.  Some sports may have artistic moments such as Ichiro Suzuki climbing the right field fence at Safeco Field in 2005 to rob an Anaheim Angel of a homerun.  It was a thing of beauty to watch Dwight Clark make “The Catch” for a game winning touchdown when he came down in the end zone with a Joe Montana pass.

Ichiro

These are rare moments. You don’t go to a sporting even to see a “thing of art”.

 

Music on the other hand appeals for reasons that need not or cannot be explained. I like Wagner, but then again so did Hitler.  Why?  I couldn’t tell you.  Many people hate Wagner.  The arts are about taste.  Taste is subjective.  Catching a ball before it hits the ground is objective.  (Even with instant replay).

Martin

There’s a scene in Steve Martin’s “L.A. Story” where he’s in the L.A. museum of fine arts and his friend is taking video of him roller skating past classics. Steve Martin’s character calls it art, his friend calls it wasting time.  Then comes the line.  Steve Martin says: “History will decide”.

 

The reason the public enjoys confusing sports and art is because both have a creator such as the players, musicians or the Artist, and both have people that watch or appreciate.

 

You commonly hear ignorant music fans and to a degree art and acting fans say: “Steve Vai is the greatest guitarist in the world. You can keep your B.B. King”.  I’m here to say that both are at the top of their game and the art they produce is equally pleasing.

 

There’s a saying in music: “If you enter a battle of the bands you’ve already lost”.

 

In sports you often hear: “He pitched a masterpiece”. No he didn’t.  He pitched strikes and 8 other guys made great plays behind him.  Was Willie Mays a better center fielder than Mookie Wilson?  Objectively; YES!  There is little room for subjectivity in Sports.  Sports often (excluding Tennis, swimming and golf) teaches us a good lesson about teamwork.  Teamwork is an essential part of our work and family life.  There are life lessons that can be learned from sports.

 

Art is about self-expression. Be it an orchestra or a 3 piece rock-a-Billy band, it’s about self-expression and touching the viewer or listener in a way that sports cannot

THE TOP 5 CHRISTMAS ACTRESSES

5

Salley

Meg Ryan

When Harry Met Sally. 1989.  Yeah, I can hear you hurling obscenities at me right now.  Meg Ryan could have made this list for Sleepless in Seattle as well.  Nora Ephron tends to add the Holidays in her movies.  I chose Meg’s performance in “Harry met Sally” because the movie frequents the Holiday.  Harry, played by Billy Crystal (of Jewish persuasion) is always helping Meg Ryan with her Christmas tree in the snow.  They have an annual New Year’s party they both go to during the movie and the movie ends with Sally dragging her own Christmas tree by herself and pretending to be happy at the New Year’s party with some doctor.  And since we’re taking static segments of time, we will consider how Meg Ryan looked in 1989 versus what she has done to herself recently with awful, let me repeat awful plastic surgery.

4

Kristen

Kristin Holby

 

Trading Places 1983. This was a hard decision. (Excuse the pun) Kristin Holby plays Penelope Witherspoon.  The fiancé of Louis Winthorpe III (played by Dan Akroyd).  Kristin has that all American girl beauty but another background actress comes very close to capturing the #4 position.  The deciding factor was her lack of lines.

Lucianne

Lucianne Buchanan

She plays the trophy girlfriend of one of the top investors on Wall street. Her character was named “President’s Mistress”. Her real name is Lucianne Buchanan.

3

Miracle

Maureen O’Hara

 

Miracle on 34th street gets the nod at the #3 position.  She had one advantage over the true beauty from this Christmas classic and that would be her age.  Maureen O’Hara, who co-starred with John Payne, was 15 years older than the future wife of Robert Wagner, The beautiful Natalie Wood.  Wood played the young girl who wanted to believe in Santa Clause.  O’Hara played the single mother in charge of Marketing at Macy’s.

2

NS

Nicolette Scorsese

 

Christmas Vacation 1989. Ms. Scorsese plays the lingerie girl “Mary” at the department store in Chicago.  She also has a semi-topless scene in Clark Griswold’s dream scene towards the end of the movie. Nobody else in this Christmas Classic comes close to the main casting asset of Ms. Scorsese.

 

1

Marjorie

 Marjorie Reynolds

 

Holiday Inn. 1942. (Born Marjorie Moore)This woman was beautiful.  If I could go back in time and meet a woman to fall in love with; It would be Marjorie Reynolds any time of the year.  All I can say is just watch the 1942 classic and you’ll understand how her talent is only, but barely, surpassed by her beauty.  In the long run, be glad that we have Holiday Inn to remember Ms. Reynolds for.  Life was not kind the goddess of the silver screen. Her amazing dancing and singing as well as acting in Holiday Inn did not launch her into the spotlight with Rita Hayworth or Betty Grable.  She continued to be a B actress until she retired.

 

A quote from Ms. Reynolds

It doesn’t overly concern me if I don’t become a superstar.  There are more important things for a successful, happy life and career, such as being pleasant, amiable and a decent human being. ~ Marjorie Reynolds

5 Musical Talents that died too young

Montreux

5. Elvis Presley- The King Died in August of 1977.  He first hit the charts with Heartbreak Hotel in 1956.  His fame was meteoric for 4 years until he was drafted into the Army and stationed in Germany.  During which time Hollywood was left to fill the vacuum.  After 2 years of serving his country Elvis came home to the pre-Beatlemania years.  Wankers like Fabian and Pat Boon were trying to fill Presley’s shoes. The King of Rock  was being managed by colonel Tom Parker who urged Elvis to sign a lucrative 10 year movie contract with Paramount pictures.  Many ask: “Why did Elvis not tour the world”?  Simple!  Colonel Tom Parker was afraid of flying.  So Elvis, who had a tremendously loyal fan base even when he weighed 300 pounds and was singing mediocre songs in B movies.  He did 27 Movies and 2 televised full length concerts. Elvis had been on a cornucopia of drugs from the time he was on the Ed Sullivan show.  In the military, Elvis reportedly (according to Pricilla Presley) was on stimulants to keep him sharp on duty, and barbiturates to allow him to rest.  Music was making various turns and tangents that led to dead ends while The Beatles were singing Sargent Peppers; Elvis was singing Viva Las Vegas.

Elvis died at the age of 42.

 

4. Buddy (Holley)Holly – The youngest on this list, Buddy along with Ritchie “Valenzuela” Valens and the Big Bopper died in a plane crash in an Iowa farm field after playing the winter dance party at the Surf Ballroom in Clear Lake Iowa.   Holly was as important as Elvis was to Rock and Roll music.  Holly was the first musician who wrote, produced, and played the music on his records breaking the Hollywood protocol of a separate writer, a producer who told the band what and how to play, and the musicians, who did what they were told.

Holly died at the age of 22.

3. Stevie Ray Vaughan – Stevie Ray or “SRV” was a white blues guitarist that played electric blues in the style of black cultural players.  Although he cut his teeth on another black guitarist, he later became almost obsessed with Albert King.  SRV was responsible for a Blues revival in the late 80s when hair bands and metal bands were playing Enter Sandman, SRV was playing blues standards like “Boot Hill”.  As is common with most great musicians, SRV struggled with cocaine and alcohol until he suffered a gastric ulcer which forced him into rehab.  In August of 1990 SRV’s helicopter crashed into a mountain after playing a show The Alpine Music Theatre in East Troy Wisconsin.

Stevie Ray Vaughn died at the age of 35.

 

2. Jimi Hendrix – The covert conservative guitarist is one of 3 guitarists that changed the standard of Rock and Roll music.  Hendrix played the electric blues with a loud and fast distorted sound. Jimi was amongst the first to experiment with sound effects.  Jimi was also amongst the first group of young musicians that let excess lead to their demise. (Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, etc…) SRV was initially influenced by Jimi Hendrix.  The English blues musicians who were known as guitars gods saw Jimi and realized that they were just flesh and blood mortals.  Like a meteor, like Buddy Holly, Jimi Hendrix came and went like a rumor leaving one memorable album “Are you Experienced” that would be the bench mark for all new guitar players to aim for.

Jimi was found dead at the age of  27.

 

1.Freddie Mercury –  Perhaps the greatest vocalist of our time.  Born Farrokh Bulsara in Zanzibar in September of 1946, Mercury was the front man of one of Rock Music’s greatest bands ever.  Modern music critics compare Freddie Mercury’s voice with those of the great tenors such as Placido Domingo and Luciano Pavarotti.  Before his death, Freddie found a new niche (a bit too late) in Opera music.  He released an Album with Opera singer Montserrat Caballé called Barcelona in celebration of the Olympics. Sadly, the great vocalist was amongst the first well known celebrities to die of a new disease in the 80s called HIV or the Human immuno-deficiency Virus also called AIDs.  Freddie died a day after a press release stating he was battling the disease.

Freddie Mercury was 45

5 Movies that make Grown Men Cry

Field1

A lot of really sad movies don’t make this list because in most cases, MEN DON’T CRY.  In a lot of sad movies the guy kind of likes it when Leonardo DiCaprio gets killed off  in “Titanic”.  If a guy can sit through this epic chick flick, he sort of lauds the freezing and drowning of Leonardo DiCaprio. We only wish we could have dunked him a few times before he went down for the last time.

When William Shatner is  playing the role of Captain Kirk and finally died Trekkies cheered.  (Because Shatner was such an awful actor that true Trek Fans endured).

But some movies, very few, reach into the gut of the male and puts the guy into an embarrassing situation where he says to his girl friend: “I got an eyelash in my eye” and she says: “Both of them”?  It sucks but here are my five movies that I would just as soon go to the kitchen and grab a Peanut butter sandwich than let my tears roll off of my cheeks.  Theses aren’t in any real order except for # 1.  I hate/love that movie.

 

5. The Glenn Miller Story.  Ah what a great time to be an American.  Glenn Miller had a dream.  He worked hard and never gave up his Idea for that new sound.  June Allison (Mrs. Apple pie/All-American female) plays the girl of Glenn’s eye.  He marries her and the rest is history until December 15th 1944. (Five months before the end of the war) Glenn is lost over the English Channel.  His wife is at home in the states and she gets to hear her favorite song “Little Brown Jug” (Which Glenn hated) recorded live from Paris.  I think it was such a sad demise for a guy that chased his dream, attained it, then had French bombs dropped on him by mistake. (That’s one of many mysteries).  The look in June Allison’s eyes can’t help but make you feel for Glenn.  We don’t see true love stories like this any more.  (Exception: La Bamba and The Buddy Holly Story)

4. Pride of the Yankees- Lou Gehrig was one of Baseball’s greatest homerun hitters and players of all-time.  He held the record for the longest “starting” streak.  They use to call the Yankee first baseman “The Iron Horse”.  His record 2,130 starts stood for 56 years until it was broken by Cal Ripken.  Gehrig is probably known more for the disease that was named after him ALS or Athero-lateral-sclerosis. Why does this make men cry?  Gehrig was 37 when he died.  He loved the game and didn’t know what was wrong with him.  They didn’t have the scanners we take for granted today back in 1927.  Again, another poor German immigrant that loved the sport, gave it all he had and had the rug pulled out from underneath him. Personally, if I were offered a Lou Gehrig Jersey or a Babe Ruth Jersey, I’d grab the Gehrig memorabilia and run.  I don’t know if it was true in real life but in the movie, Gehrig had the love and support of not only his charming wife, but his immigrant parents who hated the Idea of their son playing Baseball for a living……at first.  I don’t cry when I hear the speech about him being the luckiest man on the face of the earth, I cry when he can’t bend over to field a hard grounder.  He tells him self he needs to run more laps and exercise harder.  (Not knowing he has a terminal disease).

3.  Terms of Endearment The third one on the list is a chick flick.  But it has Jack Nicholson in it and two cute adorable boys.  They have to go through the BS of a cheating dad and a mom who goes through the stages of cancer.  Yeah it’s sad that she declines, but when you see the tears from the youngest kid’s eyes and the older kid acting out you begin to understand how death effects others.  The youngest son should have gotten an academy award for his performance. You (rhetorical you) want to cry along with the son losing his mom.

2. The Rookie – This movie is not as sad as Terms.  I have to turn off Terms of endearment because it hits too close to home for me.  On the other hand; The rookie is a true story that rips the guts out of the man that has to make the choice between being responsible at the cost of sacrificing his dream, or putting his wife and family through uncertainty as he makes 300 dollars a month in the minor leagues.  At the age of 35, after being a High School science teacher Jim Morris gets a 2nd chance at his dream.  All his life he knew he was destined to be a major league baseball pitcher.  After being drafted 4th overall in the 1983 by the Brewers, the first round draft pick would suffer several arm injuries.  He was released after several operations. The Chicago White Sox gave him a minor league contract but he could not rise above “A” ball.  So he found his dreams crushed.  He married had 2 kids and became a science teacher in Big Lake Texas for 10 years.  To relieve the stress of life, he would take a bucket of baseballs out to an old abandoned baseball diamond in the oil fields.  It felt good just to pitch.  Little did he know that one of his Tommy John surgeries made his arm stronger.  Upon discovering this, his High School team he coached made a deal with him that if they won the championship, he had to try out for the Majors.  He thought he would just go, throw and say: “OK I did it”.  Little did he know, his fastball was being clocked at over 100mph and he gets an offer from the Tampa Bay D-Rays.  A few months later he makes it to the Major leagues and is called in to strike out Royce Clayton of the Texas Rangers.  Of course all of his students showed up for the game and at the end he gives his dad the game ball.  The point where I start to tear up is when he’s frustrated and his young black team-mate berates him for talking too long on the pay phone to his “girlfriend”.  Morris (Played by Dennis Quaid) replies: “My son needed help with his home work”.  Every man who isn’t satisfied with their current arrangement wishes they could have a 2nd chance.  Morris at the age of 35 was competing with athletes half his age and made it.

1. Field of Dreams – Another baseball flick, but in this brilliant movie, Baseball is just the medium.  The movie is not about baseball.  It’s about Freud’s comment that we all go through life with an unsettled conflict with one parent.  Unlike The rookie which was a true story, Field of dreams is sort of a science fiction.  It’s about the son of a “has been” baseball player.  The father was a catcher for the Yankees.  He didn’t have much of a career so he tried to live vicariously through his son.  Kevin Costner who plays Ray Kinsella says that playing catch was like taking out the garbage or washing the dishes.  He kept a rebellious attitude toward his dad and Baseball.  Kinsella who marries a girl he met in Berkeley while going to U.C. ends up buying a corn farm in Iowa.  Then one night he hears a voice telling him to build a baseball stadium where his corn crop is. The voice says: “If you build it he will come”. So like three of the other four movies above, it’s the common conflict of dreams vs. Life.  So he plows his corn field and puts up lights and turf and builds a beautiful baseball field at the cost of half his corn crop.  The movie makes you consider what is truly important in your life.

We meet a character named “Moonlight Graham” that played for the Red Sox.  He got called up at the end of a season but never got to bat.  Kinsella thought the field was for him.  They find Graham only to find he went into Medicine and that was the purpose of his life.  At the risk of going bankrupt and losing everything, Ray refuses to sign a deal that would allow him to sell the farm for a tidy profit.  During this time, ghosts from Baseball’s past have been appearing to Ray and his family and have been playing games on the field Ray built.  Shoeless Joe Jackson being amongst the originals.  The ghosts wonder if “This is heaven”?

After deciding to go for broke, the ghost players are walking off of the field in the final scene. They go back to where they exist. (In the uncut cornfield).  Ray looks at the ghost of “Shoeless Joe Jackson” who was the voice telling Ray what to do and he says: “It was you”.  Shoeless Joe responds: “No Ray it was you.  If you build it; He will come”.  (a phrase Ray hears at the beginning of the movie while working in his corn field).  When Shoeless Joe says it, he looks over at the backstop and it’s a young version of Ray Kinsella’s dad.  His dad’s ghost is younger than Ray and he’s wearing an old Yankee uniform.  Ray says to his wife: “Oh my god it’s my dad.  I only remember him after he had been beaten down by life”.  Ray sort of introduces his family to “John Kinsella” and says: “You catch a good game”.  Then more small talk and Ray’s dad says thanks for building the field and starts to walk off.  Ray cries out in a broken voice: “Hey Dad? You wanna have a catch”?  His father says: “Yeah I’d like that”.

PS. I cried while writing half of this article

 

TELL ME WHY

Tell me why cover

HOW TO SCREW UP ONE OF HISTORY’S GREATEST SONGS by adding one word.

I’ve been on an April Wine binge lately only to listen to AW’s version of John Lennon’s “Tell me Why”.  It’s amazing how inserting one additional word can absolutely mess up a great song.  Perhaps one of The Beatles greatest songs ever.

Here are John’s original lyrics:

Tell me why you cried, and why you lied to me
Tell me why you cried, and why you lied to me

Well I gave you everything I had
But you left me sitting on my own
Did you have to treat me oh so bad
All I do is hang my head and moan

Tell me why you cried, and why you lied to me
Tell me why you cried, and why you lied to me

If there’s something that I’ve have said or done
Tell me what and I’ll apologize
If you don’t I really can’t go on
Holding back these tears in my eyes

Tell me why you cried, and why you lied to me
Tell me why you cried, and why you lied to me

Well I beg you on my bended knees
If you’ll only listen to my pleas
Is there anything I can do
Cos I really can’t stand it, I’m so in love with you

Tell me why you cried, and why you lied to me
Tell me why you cried, and why you lied to
***************************************************************

TMW

In the 2nd verse “Tell me what and I’ll apologize” Myles Goodwyn inserts the word “Baby” Tell me what and I’ll apologize.  As if he’s making a contrite and remorseful request of his girlfriend or lover.  This is easily over looked because the music is so beautiful.  But adding the word “Baby” changes the POV horrifically.

Clear your mind and think about the song from this perspective.

John said that “Tell me Why” was a song he wrote for all of the children who were the collateral damage of divorced parents. Sure it’s still a love song, but not in the “Eros” meaning of the word.  It’s from the point of view (POV) of a child who thinks that he or she is responsible for their parents breaking up.  The line: “If it’s something that I said or done tell me what and I’ll apologize”.  This cuts to the heart.  The guilt children of a divorce feel is so destructive not to mention unfair while planting the seeds of destruction for a future fucked up adult life. The children feel responsible for the tears being cried.  “Tell me what I did and I’ll apologize”.

Those of you with children, think about the unintended consequences before you say: “I’m out of this marriage”.  Unless you’re being physically abused by your spouse, don’t bail out, stick it out until the kids are old enough to start their own lives.   Or at least until they can understand.  The biggest lie you’ll hear from others when YOU are getting divorced is: “Oh the kids will get over it”.  Right!
<cough Bullshit>

SEX, MATH and GETTING OLD

Michael Douglas And Catherine Zeta-Jones Split

HALF PLUS 7

Or in Michael Douglas’ situation, half plus zero. Douglas is now 70 and Jones is 45

(Half plus 10)

 

A/2 + 7 = Your mistress

 Your Age, divided by 2 (or half your age), plus seven years added is what the formula is describing.  What the hell am I talking about?

I was in the presence of 4 millionaires in their 50s.  Women enjoy talking about being Cougars, but long before the wild feline concept ever came about A/2 + 7 was around.

This is the formula that makes sense at the age of 14.  As 14/2 = 7 + 7 = 14.  So a 14 year old meets a 14 year old.  Half of 14 equals 7.  Add 7 to that and you have 14.

Once you are in the winter years of life and you fear death and resent getting old, the Idea of a mistress pops into what was once a successful entrepreneur.  So rich old men seem to have come up with a formula that is actually a standard in the millionaire community.  (I wouldn’t have known had I not been an outsider listening in)  But those who are of means feel that you should aim for someone half your age and add 7 years to that number.

Example: a 60 year old is looking to have an affair.  He sees a woman who is in her mid-thirties.  60 is a nice round number.  Half of 60 is 30 and by adding 7 you get thirty seven (37).  Now for every year under 37, you consider that a victory bonus.

When I got divorced, I was 40.  The first younger mate I came into contact with was 29.  She was 2 years over the half plus 7 rule and the millionaires scoffed at me.  I got a few conciliatory “Nice Try” remarks from a few, but basically, I was out of their league.  Especially since I was the only one making under 6 digits.

During my single years, I used my charm and striking good looks (Just kidding) to actually attract one of the gold diggers my millionaire friends were coveting.  Let me just say that if you try this, be prepared to watch your life endure misery.  What my elder yet wealthy friends failed to recognize is that another principle that goes with this equation is that the half plus 7 girl toy will have a younger boy toy with more stamina and physical attributes. (versus fiscal attributes).

I guess what goes around, comes around.  I ended up remarrying a woman 2 years younger than myself.  I couldn’t dream of a serious relationship with a woman half my age plus seven years (Unless I was 14 – 20).

They say generational trends (Or “Nostalgia”) works in 20 year cycles.  Since most men start feeling old at 40, the half plus 7 formula doesn’t work when she’s 27 and I’m 40.  Now 36 works.  That would be a 40 year old minus 10%.   But I wouldn’t go much more than 10%.  In fact, the further you pass 40, the smaller I would make the percentage. At the age of 60, that would be 54.  (60 minus 6). Using half plus 7 she would be 37.  That would be a 23 year difference.  You would be in a “Nostalgic” state of mind.

“She wouldn’t remember Areatha Franklin”

And to quote one millionaire who heard I was dating a 29 year old at the age of 40; he said: “What are you two going to do?  Have dinner at Chucky Cheese then go see Bambi”? …………… Obviously pure jealousy.

I think the only reason a woman would wait for a blue pill to take effect would be if she expected to inherit a gold mine. (Or she was truly in love) On the other hand, I don’t think a man would put up with menopause unless he was truly in love with the person going through it.

(*NOTE: I’ve never needed a blue or any other colored pill)

If you’re married to the same person you’ve been married to for 40 years, good for you, stay married.  If you find yourself single again; once you hit 40, stay within 10% of your own age.  At least you can understand each other while text messaging.

IF YOU ARE STILL MARRIED AND ARE CONSIDERING A/2 +7 let me give you one last equation.

 (A + R)/2 – (AF+A1) = Your net total worth.

Assets plus Retirement divided by 2 goes to current spouse. Then subtract Attorney fees and Alimony.  Then ask yourself, is it worth it.  Some say “Yes” you can’t take it with you.  But you risk your new half plus 7 partner doing the same thing unless you get a prenuptial agreement and good luck on that.

 

“YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS”

Zappa

Key Lines written by Frank Zappa 1981

Do you know what you are?

You are what you is

You is what you am

A cow don’t make ham

 

 A foolish young man

From a middle class fam’ly

Started singin’ the blues

‘Cause he thought it was manly

 

A foolish young man

Of the Negro Persuasion

Devoted his life

To become a Caucasian

 

He stopped eating pork

He stopped eating greens

He traded his dashiki

For some Jordache Jeans

He learned to play golf

An’ he got a good score

Now he say to himself

“I AIN’T NO NIGGER NO MORE . . . HEY! HEY! HEY!”

It’s funny how this was written 35 years before anyone ever heard of Barack Hussein Obama.  It was also written about the time that Stevie Ray Vaughan started the “Blues Revival”.  It was the B side of Valley Girl.

MTV refused to play the YOU ARE WHAT YOU IS video.

Although Frank Zappa was known for his satire in his song writing, behind the satire was a message of how messed up we can be as humans.  I think this song could have been re-titled: “Get over yourself”.

I’ve always said that if I was born in the fucking African Desert, I would have taken the late Sam Kennison’s advice and “MOVED TO WHERE THE FOOD IS”.  The human mind is so vulnerable.  Satan comes along and says: “You ugly”. So you become introverted and shy. Then Satan says, “You’ll never go anywhere or do anything with your worthless life”.  So you become even more vulnerable and join a cult.  You build your façade on a cult of personality.  You fake it until you make it.  But sometimes,

Just sometimes………………. You buy a paperback written by a self-help writer.  If you’re lucky, you submerge yourself into personal development and you don’t care what others say.  That really smart guy named Albert Einstein once wrote: “Within each of us lays a genius.  If you judge a fish on his ability to climb a tree, he’ll go through life thinking he’s stupid.

Ya see ~ that’s the key to being a human.  Get your head right; then devote every action you do towards that person you want to be.  Stephen Covey, one of the greatest self-help writers of our time once said that he was inspired to write self-help when he read line that said: “Between stimulus and response there lays a space.  In that space lays your chance to determine your response”.   He realized that the future of his life was often a direct result of the response he chose in that space.  Sometimes the response would be to give a person a hug and comfort them.  Sometimes it was a short space where you needed to decide to kill or be killed, or fight or flight.  No matter what the stimulus is, your result should be in alignment with who or what you want to be as a human.

If you need help; complete this sentence: “I am going to be a _______ because of my unique ability to ________”!   Feel free to use as many words as you need such as” I’m going to be a Chef because of my unique ability to use spices in a creative way that makes people happy!

Or, I’m going to be a Police officer because of my unique ability and desire to protect those who cannot protect themselves”!

Once you’ve decided what you want to be, (and are satisfied with the “because” part of the sentence) everything you do should bring you closer to your destination.  And even once you become what you want to be, put the word “Better” in front of the first blank.

You see, your voyage here on earth is always about becoming.  It’s never about arriving.

I want to be “the best guitarist/singer/writer I can be because of my unique ability to play the guitar with incredible skill and write songs that touch people so they will remember me”! 

DISCOVERY I.D.

HHKendra

My wife and I use to watch almost nothing but Law and Order and all of their spinoffs.  (SVU, Criminal Intent, Homicide; Life on the streets etc…) Then we discovered CSI.  We originally started watching CSI Miami as the “Horatio” character seemed intriguing.  Then CSI Miami turned into a Tits and Ass show and we discovered the real thing. CSI aka CSI Las Vegas.  This was truly a great “Who done it” show.  Unlike the NBC franchise Law and Order, CSI would give you more than a glimpse of the lives of the agents.

L O

Dick Wolf, who produced Law and Order didn’t want the show to focus on the characters but wanted it to be story driven.  That was a great concept until NBC turned into the National-Bolshevik- Communist network.  We try hard not to watch NBC at all.  Anything associated with MSNBC soils my eyes.

CSI

CSI, in an attempt to compete with Law and Order, created CSI New York.  That sort of pushed us over the edge.  One thing that you noticed about the CSI franchise was that the individual shows had their own lighting scheme.  Yeah I know, it does seem strange.  You could literally see a CSI lab with nobody in it and tell which CSI show you were watching.  Miami was Orange (It gave it that beach sunset feeling) Las Vegas or the mother ship was Blue.  (Poker chips?) Then for some reason they gave New York the color grey.  It just never fit in with the Las Vegas and Miami show.

When Obama was elected in 2008, CBS committed self destruction.  They got rid of the two stars that carried the show and replaced them with Lawrence Fishburne.  Now I liked the character Morpheus, but in this case, they tried to fix something that wasn’t broken.  Just as Law and Order lost 2 million viewers when they felt they needed a blonde (Elisabeth Rohm) to compete with CSI’s blonde (Marg Hilgenburg).  CBS lost about 6 million viewers when they tried to get in good with Obama.

So with both franchises turning to shit, and television being taken over by reality TV; the channel of all Cop channels was launched.  Discovery Investigation or Discovery I.D. as you may find it on your cable channel.  We were first attracted to a show called “Homicide Hunter”.  It features a great retired Murder investigator named Joe Kenda.  He narrates the stories from an abandoned Jail house or an old Dusty Warehouse.  Joe is a great guy.  He’s the kind of guy that (when you were a kid) you would sit around on the living room floor while he sat in the recliner and told you stories about the bad guys he caught.  The reality is; Lt. Joe Kenda put away 387 murderers. Now a days, that’s 15 seasons.  (26 episodes a season)

This is a link to some behind the scene interviews with Lt. Joe

http://www.investigationdiscovery.com/tv-shows/homicide-hunter/videos/behind-the-crime-addison.htm

But what made me fall in love with Homicide Hunter is that they call them like Joe tells them.  Unlike Law and Order or CSI where all the bad guys are “Rich white guys”, the stories Lt. Joe tells, reflect the 52% of the prison population that come from the 12.9% of the country’s census.  Discovery I.D. doesn’t go out of their way to kiss Obama’s ass.

HHK1

The rest of the shows on Discovery I.D. are also really interesting but they lack Uncle Joe. (Who in a way resembles Principal Skinner from the Simpsons)  Joe truly makes Homicide Hunter special.  In spite of the many low budget bloopers like a crime committed in 1982 with a gas sign saying 3.77 a gallon for gas or a 2010 silver Acura driving down the street when it’s supposed to be the 80s.  But they’re able to get away with it because as I said, when you were a kid and Uncle Joe was telling you a good story, two cars could have crashed down the street and you would be oblivious to it.

As for the other programming, Web of Lies is a great series about internet crimes such as internet dating gone wrong. Obsessions is about people that are, well, Obsessed with another person and will kill to keep them. Murder Book is more of a Hawaii 5-0 cop show with real people, I would go so far as to say all of the shows except “Who the bleep did I marry” are all very well done. The last show mentioned has the most obnoxious narrator that sounds like Martha Stewart on Quaaludes, the show is about people who rush into bad marriages.

Finally I have to flash back on the year 2007.  It was the year my injury made me take time off from work.  I use to watch a show that I believe is still on called the first 48.  Now my wife who grew up on Hill street blues and McMillan and Wife (Cop shows) had gotten me interested in cop shows.  So I would watch “The first 48” (48 hours after the crime) every day.  But since the stories were real, I started getting really depressed at how fucked up our society is.  (And even worse, the direction it’s heading). So I found another show called 24 that had me glued.  A few years later, I showed my wife one episode and we ended up buying all of the back seasons on DVD.  Jack Bauer had our attention anytime.  We have every episode, even the newest season which is not out on DVD yet called “Live another day”.  It’s on our DVR.

I only bring this up because although my wife loves watching the current shows on Discovery I.D. she’s asked me if I can put something positive/cheerful on before we go to sleep.  I think 3 hours of real hideous crime a night is actually getting her to the depressed point that I had gotten to.  So we usually end up watching the 3rd period of the Sharks Hockey game or an episode of some Psychic Medium like Kim Russo or Theresa Caputo.

f you like Who done its; You have to watch Homicide Hunter.  Lt. Joe Kenda is the greatest character real or fiction on the small screen.