THE RELATIONSHIP – AFTER THE PARTY IS OVER 

When did you know you didn’t love me”? She said: “I don’t know if I’ve ever loved you”.

                                                      ~ Billy Crystal as Harry in “When Harry met Sally”

He does all the things that you would never do. He loves me to, his love is true. Why can’t he be you?

                         ~ Patsy Cline

“My wife said to me as she kissed me good-bye: “Have a nice day”. That’s what the bank teller says to you. That’s what you say to a customer. Shouldn’t your wife tell you she loves you”?

                                                                                               ~ Jeff Goldblum in “Into the Night”

 “Now I’m praying for the end of time so I can end my time with you” !

                                                                      ~Meatloaf from Paradise by the Dashboard lights.

If the seeds of destruction are planted in the Motive of your marriage, it’s only a matter of time before you are in a relationship void of Eros (lust) Philia (sibling love) and maybe even Agape (a Divine Love). Often this relationship is the result of unintended consequences. Such as:

• We got pregnant and neither of us believes in abortion.
• I was not over so and so. ( I’m still not over so and so I thought they would change)
• Kids will settle him down.
• Maybe the financial situation will change.
• I was in love with the feeling of being in love.
• I’m better off as a single person.
• I didn’t sew all of my “wild oats”.
• They don’t make me happy any more.
• They stopped filling my needs.
• I wanted to show the world and my ex, that I am desirable.
• I enjoy having someone to come home to.
• It was pre-arranged by our parents.
• I could do worse and I’m not getting any younger
• I wanted someone to bury me.

Had enough ???

For the myriad of reasons to break up a marriage; I can only think of a few not to.

1. Divorce is a sin and knowingly doing so would anger God.
2. The other person needs me and I took a vow. (My word is important to me)

It all boils down to: “How serious do you take marriage”? NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT. That’s a good thing to keep in mind.  And keep these principles in mind as well.

• • People change.
• Couples change.
• The economy changes
• Religious beliefs change
• Physical conditions change.
• Mental stability changes.
• Some people cheat.
• Some people are never satisfied with one sex partner.
• People don’t like being controlled.
• People can’t read minds so the ability to communicate verbally is unbelievably important.
• BONUS PRINCIPLE: FUN DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE

Once you notice the seeds of marital destruction come to fruition and you hear certain “hints” like: “I want a divorce” or “Get out you pig”.  Understand that it could just be that person’s less than eloquent way of saying: “I’m unhappy and something needs to change” or it could really mean: “You’ve got to go”.  If you do not have kids; BONUS.  Be as cordial as you can, LEAVE, then think about what you want to do.

If you do have children, I would urge you to negotiate like Henry Kissinger until you’re just wasting your breath.  Sometimes we need to take one for the team.  Just because you got yourself into a bad marriage doesn’t mean the kids have to be drug through the awful trash of lawyers and asset divisions.  And the sooner you learn that you have as much to do with the break up as your mate, the sooner the name calling and ugliness will cease.  If the marriage has become abusive, by all means do what’s right because watching your parents fight can ruin you as badly as watching them separate.   It’s a Lose/Lose situation.

I said that you were as responsible for the break up as the other person who may be cheating; because you signed the dotted line in the beginning.  You made a poor choice.  More than likely, you didn’t take enough time to know this creature that was great in bed but awful in public.  Take responsibility for it and don’t play the “victim”.

Part 1 :

“Why is it we never really know the moment that we’re in love; but we always know the moment it’s over”

~ Steve Martin L.A. Story 1991.

Steve wrote another profound line in that jewel of a movie that said: “Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so busy pretending to be happy all the time”. In many cases we pretend to be happy and openly accept denial. Pretending can be a good place when you don’t know Love from Lust, Greed from Need or just waiting to see what happens next.

The seeds of the destruction of a relationship are almost always planted in the motive for a relationship”

– Ace Andres 2011

(Example: “I married you because I thought I could change you”.)

I was instructed in college that everything we know about relationships is a child’s paradigm. If you were lucky enough to observe 2 parents treating each other with trust, love and respect; your subconscious mind made notes that it would later try and apply to your self-esteem, your social awareness and eventually your love life. Our first experience of love is when our mother holds us in a birthing blanket just after an obstetrician spanked the muconium off of our cheeks. That mother’s love becomes the bench mark or gold standard in which we will judge all others who attempt to win our hearts. (Up to a certain age)

The Bible instructs us to be fruitful and multiply.

At puberty, a funny thing happens. I say funny because puberty happened to me in front of God and His entire green earth. I was wrestling with an older girl that I was friends with. She was 14 and I was 11 or 12. She was a “Tom” girl but she was starting to wear a bra and real short cut-off jeans with slits up the sides. But I never saw her as anything but a “Buddy or Pal”. Until one day when we were wrestling on the ground and I got my first public erection. My goodness we both stopped and looked at each other? She smiled because she knew what was happening, but she also didn’t let me go because she was “older and smarter”. (Looking back, I think she enjoyed it)  I was embarrassed to say the least. For some reason, we never wrestled again after that.

Oh the innocence. But Love? Nope

Now an awful turn of events happened that would cast/spew it’s influence on my relationships forever. My Mother (My/everyone’s first true love) died when I was 11. That hand of compassion was gone. The person who kissed it and made it feel better was gone. So for 6 more years it was just my father and I trying to do our best in a small 2 bedroom apartment. After losing my “Bench mark” of love in 6th grade, it was a sea of chaos and confusion in high school. I wanted to find that hand of compassion, but 15 year old girls are no substitute for your mom and your widowed father is no substitute for the gentle hand of compassion.

It’s easy to see how the motive for love in any future relationships contained these seeds of destruction. Not only was I trying to replace somebody that loved me unconditionally, but I was trying to find it with someone that had no idea of what mutual love between two people of the opposite sex was. Even when I was older (in my 20’s) It seemed like I was dating for the specific purpose of finding someone to fill the loss of the Gold standard.

Unfair expectations to hold anyone to.

Sadly enough, young girls who have their self-esteem shattered by an abusive father (sexual or not) commonly plant the opposite seeds of destruction in their first boy/girl relationship as she will not be happy with anyone that doesn’t slap her around. I’ve dated women that couldn’t respect me if I didn’t mistreat them. (And I never would ) But going back to my opening line, our first paradigm of love is through the eyes of a child. We see our parents kiss, hug, hold each other, or slap, yell, beat, leave etc…… It’s all part of the garbage in and garbage out process we call relationships. As children; subconsciously we suck it up. We not only suck up what we see our parent do and say, but we are influenced by television, our culture, our friends, the Internet and of course Walt Disney.

Speaking strictly for myself, I would imagine that most Christian men struggle with monogamy. We live in a cultural setting that promotes sexual promiscuity. Television, Rap, and Movies all suggest that the more sex you have,(meaning with more partners) the more impressive your status in society. Men should all strive to be the “big Mack daddy” by today’s standards. (The BMD is the guy in the ghetto that has the most concubines)

Procreative sexual reproduction is as close to “playing god” that man will ever achieve. It is my personal belief that God attached a physical incentive to “orgasm” so man would not need much incentive to populate the earth. To assure woman would not be abused and the offspring would not be abandoned; God set forth the commandments disallowing Fornication and Adultery. He intended man to be serious about sexual procreation. Or at the very least, responsible.

In the 1960s, the sexual revolution put an end to sexual responsibility. Liberal sinners defined sex as a physical action between two consenting adults. It was no longer revered as a manifestation of a spiritual union between a male and female that loved each other.

Back to the attraction of sex. Some have presumed that men are attracted to the breast because of infantile feeding. Many equate the longing of a man for a woman’s vagina, an effort to reacquire the pre-natal warmth and security that they once experienced in the womb. And ultimately, we have the God experience. Whether or not there is a conscious effort to play God, the acquisition of God’s brass ring, the orgasm is still a viable attraction for modern man.

Man also has the hunting chromosome to overcome. We have an inherent desire to hunt and conquer. A woman’s womb is a very sociable target.  The more insecure the man is, the longer the hunt continues.

So why do seemingly content married men persist in seeking extramarital relationships even under the most satisfying monogamist circumstances? First you can throw out the obvious, when a hunter/fisher reaches his limit, it’s hard to throw back or release those which he can’t keep.

Man as a rule, hates living a constricted life.  Anthropologically, Man wants to “spred the seeds of his DNA”.

Once a partner becomes a mother, some husbands no longer sees them as a sex partner. (See Elvis and Pricilla)

All of the above are common excuses, but the reality of most extramarital issues are a result of simple “male insecurity”. The same principal applies to women as well. There’s another term in the ghetto that goes along with the “BMD” (big Mack daddy) and it’s called the “BBD” or (Bigger Better Deal). When one spouse wants out of a seemingly normal relationship, it often reflects on that person’s insecure image of themself. If the content spouse is in love with the discontent spouse, the discontent spouse is thinking, “why does this person love me”? I’m a loser, so if they love me, they must be a really hard up loser. It’s like the Woody Allen joke: “I’d never want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member”. So they think they’ve sold themselves short and want out. They want to look for bigger better deal.

Insecure materialistic humans tend to see their spouses as objects. So materialism would imply that an “upgrade” would be in order. As is the principal with materialism, there is “always” something out there, more attractive, wealthier, healthier, more exciting etc……..

Materialistic people are governed by the creed “He who dies with the most toys wins”. The truth is; He who dies with the most toys, is DEAD.

Certain people that have lost their parents at a young age, go thru life thinking that as soon as they meet the “right” person, all of their troubles and unfairness in life will be answered and their real life will begin. They soon realize that the search is only a way of keeping the memory of their parents alive.

The only way man (or woman) can overcome the lure of lust, is to focus on the bigger picture. Eventually, you will get old and die. This I can guarantee you. Once you become old and realize that you are indeed invisible to not only teenagers but 40 year olds as well; you’ll begin to focus on things eternal, things that don’t die or fade. Such things include relationships, your legacy, your children, and your hopes of Heaven. People who denied Christ all of their lives often call on Jesus on their death bed. Want a good example? How about Darwin? On his death bed, he didn’t ask for a chimp or a prime-ape; he asked for a priest.

If man’s soul can mature at a younger age and see that lustful urges are biologically wired at birth, the sooner they can come to terms with reality and the afterlife and leave a respectable legacy.